My aunt was out riding her bike one day. She was probably wobbling a little more than the driver who passed her realized.
He honked the horn. He stopped the car, got out, and scolded her for not following the rules.
My aunt looked at him.
– Wow, you're really angry. It must be so hard for you to be that angry.
I wish I had come up with that comment in the same situation.
My spontaneous reaction would probably have been completely different. I would have gotten angry right back. I would have said a thing or two about drivers, cyclists, and rude behavior. And I probably would have made sure we were both even angrier by the time we walked away.
My aunt did something else.
She didn't respond to his anger with more anger. In the heat of the moment, she managed to see the person behind the behavior.
It's hard.
And it's also interesting from a leadership perspective.
When someone gets angry, becomes defensive, or attacks us, our natural reaction is often to respond in the same way. The tone becomes more heated. We stop listening. The discussion soon becomes more about proving who’s right than about the issue we were originally trying to resolve.
One expression I like is:
Fight the heat with warmth.
Kindness doesn't mean giving in. Nor does it mean accepting bad behavior or failing to set boundaries.
It's about trying to maintain the relationship while dealing with the things you don't agree on.
Being curious when you’d rather defend yourself.
Trying to understand before trying to persuade.
Distinguishing between the person and the problem.
Easy in theory. Much harder when someone is standing right in front of you and is furious.
But next time, I'll try to think of my aunt.
She's my hero for many reasons. This is definitely one of them.
