I was new on the job and had only been working there for two weeks. The meeting with my boss had been scheduled from the start, and we were going to have a routine check-in. She got right to the point: “There are two things that are bothering me.”
I jumped. What does she mean? I realized pretty quickly that she was talking about me. My first thought was: What have I done? Or rather, what haven't I done?
An Important Leadership Principle
Having the courage to address issues that cause friction and resentment early on is an important key to preventing and managing conflicts.
We humans view situations in different ways. We perceive and interpret behavior differently, and quite often we make assumptions without actually knowing the facts. Our assumptions aren't necessarily wrong. They may be based on experience, past events, and intuition.
But sometimes we're just wrong.
The quickest way to find out is often also the simplest: just ask. How did you see it? How did you perceive the situation? What were you thinking when you did that? By being curious about the other person’s perspective, we can clear up misunderstandings early on and focus our energy on working better together.
So why are we waiting? Why are so many of us reluctant to tackle the things that bother us?
One reason is uncertainty. We’re not quite sure how to say it, and above all, we don’t know how it will be received. Then we easily start to imagine our own scenarios: What if the person gets angry? What if they take it the wrong way? What if the relationship gets worse? The more negative scenarios we picture, the greater our own resistance becomes. So we wait, avoid the issue, and hope the problem will resolve itself. But it rarely does.
While we wait, several things could happen:
1. The irritation rarely subsides—it grows. The irritation becomes more intense, and we devote more and more energy to something we still haven’t addressed.
2. The other person has no opportunity to change their behavior. They may continue exactly as before, completely unaware that their behavior affects others or that something else is desired.
3. What started out as a specific situation or behavior risks, over time, becoming about the person. “That didn’t go well” turns into “she’s always like that.” When the conflict becomes personal, it often becomes much harder to handle.
Back to the conference room and my courageous boss. She brought up the two things that were bothering her—one at a time. She described the behavior she had observed, the consequences it had or could have, and asked how I viewed the situation. After that, we talked about what I—and we together—could do differently going forward. No drama and no raised voices. Just a calm and objective conversation, marked by curiosity and a desire to do better in the future.
The Natural Conversation
She didn’t even call it feedback. She hadn’t scheduled a special meeting and said, “I have some feedback I need to give you.” She simply brought up what was bothering her during a meeting that was already scheduled. And I didn’t feel like she was picking on me.
However, I did gain an important insight: A behavior that I myself viewed as positive could be perceived in an entirely different way by someone else. But it’s just as important (if there aren’t any scheduled meetings) to dare to bring up the issue in the course of a natural conversation and not make a big deal out of it.
So when should you give feedback? It's best to do so within a couple of days, as soon as possible.
The goal isn’t to look for friction, but to take action when it actually matters.
Because it’s precisely there—in the friction—that many unnecessary conflicts can be stopped. Before they have a chance to turn into conflicts.
What do you think? Should we get better at addressing chafing right away? You can actually just say, “Hey, David, I’ve got a little chafing…”
//David Cavallin
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